The EU Bureaucrat and his 5″Banana

When in the supermarket, Mr Wenig goes to great lengths to avoid the fresh produce aisles, he’d lower his eyes and follow a memorized route to sensible foods that filled his sensible home, decorated in sensible colours that refrained from stimulating his senses. Small and slightly built, his grey, dull suit hung from his grey dull frame.
It was the bananas that bothered him the most, specifically the large thick bananas, he heard them whispering once as he’d walked by, glancing in their direction he’d noticed them smirking, taunting him, the wide straight shafts irked him along with the jaunty bendy bananas, they disgusted him. They’d disgusted him for far too long..he was going right back to his office to do something about these aberrations.
So began the EU legislation on standardizing the length, width and curvature of bananas.
5.5″ long, 1″ wide and no funny angles.

At school Mr Wenig had been a bit of a loner, with a strict home life where there was little free thinking, hugging or play, the functional, detached dictatorial parenting had taken its toll and as children do, he followed his parents roles  setting his heart on enforcing this rigid, serious, cautionary mindset on as many people as possible, so he could personally rule and affect the daily lives of innocents all over Europe, he’d make them dance to his whiny tune and for once, be all powerful, he felt a stirring at the thought of making up regulations that whole countries would have to follow, oh how happy he was.

The EU Regulation on the conductivity of Honey , which is totally real, came after Mr Wenig repressed drives got the better of him one night as he sat and slathered honey all over his 5″. On smelling the sweetness, his dog raced across the room knocking a table lamp over, the filament light bulb (which were subsequently banned by the EU) cracked open, the metal rim connected to his watch as his wrist lay on his thigh causing the current to rampantly surge into his groin, resulting in a singed sticky pubic region along with an experience he’d never forget. Stomping back to his office the next week, after he could walk properly again, Mr Wenig brought in a piece of EU legislation that made sure that the conductivity of honey was not more than 0.8mS/cm which was really quite kind, as this would alert other honey lovers and avoid them having similar accidents.

He’d turned to many methods of strengthening his banana, even though he currently didn’t have anyone to share it with, but he hoped a strict regime of vitamins and minerals would enable him to at least hang a few weights from it. Months down the line, feeling quietly satisfied with his health and progress, Mr Wenig tied a large can of beans to his member, unfortunately with the bending over and standing up too quickly he suddenly felt faint, wobbling on his feet, he fell against the chair causing the beans to whack him in the nuts and bounce back, crushing his banana. He had to take another 2 days off work as the swelling meant he couldn’t sit down comfortably.
That is how the EU Legislation of the Codex Alimentarius on banning effective doses of Vitamins and Minerals came into being, he would curse them for ever more for not doing what he thought they should have. For an insight into the Legislation regarding food Laws…you can inspect this, a fraction of the exhaustive rules…long list of EU food regulations

Bureaucracy is defined as a system of government in which most of the important decisions are made by state officials rather than by elected representatives and Mr Wenig is one of those officials, he loves his position of authority as a bureaucrat in the EU, all 28 States must obey his command.

Mr Wenig doesn’t like things to be out of place, loud, random, chaotic, colourful, whether that relates to food, cars, houses, systems, process, clothes or shopping centres. One of his favourite repeated phrases in EU food legislation is ‘Uniformity of Size’, everything must be the same size. His issues run very very deep.

Quite bizarrely, the EU has quietly approved a ban on large vacuum cleaners in an effort to “re-educate” spendthrift citizens who consume too much energy. From 2017 only a maximum of 900 watts will be allowed, as opposed to the 1800 watts currently avaolable, people will have to vacuum twice as long to get the same effects therefore neutralizing any purported savings.

What happened to the poor hapless Mr Wenig to make him want to make vacuum cleaners suck half as hard…?



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